I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
