So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
