Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
