you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
