I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
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I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
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The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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