I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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