i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize