break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
