Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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