Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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