he shaved USA in his pubs
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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