you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's shark week go big or go home
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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