he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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