All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
