Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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