new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
