Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
