I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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