Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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