I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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