yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
