Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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