i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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