Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
