I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
