she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
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she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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