haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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