Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You smell like stripper and shame
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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