I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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