I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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