We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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