"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
