The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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