I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
