i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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