I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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