The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
