I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
