can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
