I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
