party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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