so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
