Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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