i barfeds in our rink
thus making me awesome and them whores
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
