I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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