I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My feet surprised me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize