Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
