Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
