Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
