I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
