look no pants
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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