Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
