i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
