so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
