I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
