i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
