and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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