FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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