The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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