this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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